Somehow
by thekindofbroken
Summary: She doesn't know how it happens, but somehow, James Cook becomes her best friend. He doesn't know how it happens, but somehow, he falls in love with her.
1. Chapter 1

She still remembers the first time she'd really seen him, not the guy that strutted around and left a trail of destruction, but _him_, who all that posturing covered up. His hands had slid up her thighs, rough and wanting, tugging at the elastic of her underwear. She'd been so caught up in his kisses, demanding and passionate, that she almost missed the fear that shot through her when he'd done this. Almost, but not quite.

"Cook, stop," she'd said, not even sure if she meant it, feeling embarrassment squirm in her stomach and heat her cheeks. She'd felt like an idiot the moment she'd said it, scared to death of his reaction. Terrified he'd be angry, that he'd mock her, tell people, use it against her. Oh God, how had this happened? "I'm sorry, it's just..." She couldn't look at him.

"Naomikins," he'd said then, and she realized something odd. His hands were still on her, but not pushing or demanding, not angry, just resting softly, gentle. She looked at him then. He was looking at her like she'd never seen any guy look at her, like he saw her.

"I'm sorry," she'd said again, not knowing what else to say.

"You don't say sorry for that," he'd said and he sounded a little angry then, but not at her.

"What?" She didn't understand.

Cook was staring at her with this strangely determined look on his face. "For not wanting to. You don't apologize. You don't want to fuck someone then you don't say sorry for it, do you? You don't owe nobody nothin'."

"Most guys would be angry. Most guys would try to convince me."

"Most guys aren't me, babe." And that was when it happened, when she saw James Cook for the first time. He wasn't what people thought, what she'd thought. When she'd first met him she'd taken him to be loud, abrasive, selfish, and at times cruel. But she realized she was wrong now. He wasn't. Well, he _was_ loud and abrasive, but he was neither selfish or cruel. He was terrified. She understood him then, like a dog that's been kicked, he expected people to hurt him, so he hurt them first so he was never blind sided. He'd start the fight just so that he could see it coming. He was pushing things, pushing everyone so that he never had to face himself. He was a time bomb waiting to self destruct. And she saw it all and for the first time realized how much they had in common. In fact, looking at him she felt she could see herself clearer too. It terrified her.


	2. Chapter 2

She's been fighting with Emily again. She's not sure how it got to be like this. The beginning had been hard, sure, because she was scared of wanting Emily, of admitting that to herself. She'd hurt them both. But it had gotten better. It had gotten wonderful. And now it isn't anymore. Now she just feels a kind of dull aching. And fighting with Emily is the worst because that's when she realizes she doesn't _really_ have any other friends. Katie hates her on principle. Effy and Pandora hardly acknowledge her existence outside of the group. Freddie is so completely wrapped up in Effy it's a miracle he's still functioning. J.J. is sweet and responsive, but he belongs to Cook and Freddie and maybe even Emily a little bit. Thomas is hardly a passing thought. And then there's Cook. He's the worst of them all. She's avoided him since that day she'd seen into his soul and found herself staring back. Cook scares her. He scares her because she understands him and she wishes she didn't. So she's been avoiding him for weeks. But she's also been watching him. She doesn't mean to do it, it just happens. She sees the way the drama with Freddie and Effy kills him. She sees what no one else does. She's pretty sure she's the only one who knows Cook at all. Sometimes she catches him watching her too. She knows what he's doing. It's exactly what she's been doing to him. He's dissecting her. He's examining her soul. And she hates it, but she can't blame him. So she avoids him. And she tries to never meet his eyes. He doesn't push her. He doesn't mess with her. She wonders why, because he does it with everyone else, even the people he loves. But not her. He lets her hide from him. She appreciates it, but it doesn't stop her from hiding.

She doesn't know why she goes to the party. She doesn't want to. But Emily begged and things have been hard enough lately. She knows it's her fault. She's punishing herself, pushing Emily away. But she can't seem to stop. She specializes in self sabotage. So she went because Emily had asked, but now she's lost her in the crowd and part of her is relieved. She doesn't have to pretend as much when Emily is away. And that's when she sees Cook. He's on the dancefloor and there's some scantily clad girl practically plastered to him, but she follows his sight line and knows he's watching Freddie and Effy. And then he looks directly at her. They make eye contact for the first time in ages and she feels an intense need to talk to him. She doesn't know why, she doesn't even know what about, just that he's the only person in the world that could possibly understand her right this moment. Before she knows what she's doing she's shoved her way through the crowd to him. Somewhere in the crush of bodies she loses eye contact with him and when she gets there he's not looking for her.

"Cook!" she yells over the music.

He looks around and she sees all her flaws reflected in his eyes. "Yeah, love!?"

"I need to talk to you!" The girl hanging on him looks less than thrilled, but he says something to her that Naomi can't hear and she nods and disengages herself from him. Cook takes Naomi's hand and pushes through the crowd, pulling her behind him. They find refuge in a stairwell, where the pounding music is dulled through the walls.

"So what is it, Princess, that needs my attention?" Now that she's dragged him here, she doesn't know what to say. She just wanted, needed, someone to understand her and she knows he does. But she's at a loss, so she says the first thing that comes to mind.

"Do you have any gear?" His brow knits together and he's looking at her all funny, like he might actually be concerned or something, but she thinks she must be reading his expression wrong because Cook doesn't give a fuck about her.

"What's this all about, babe?"

"Nothing, I just... I just want to have a good time," she says lamely. She's totally aware that he knows she's lying, that he can see right through her. For a minute, she thinks he'll say no, try to stop her, but he doesn't. Instead he produces some powder.

"MDMA," he says.

"How much?" she asks. He's still looking at her strangely. It makes her want to run away. He hands her the drugs.

"Nah, it's alright." It looks like he wants to say something else, but he doesn't. So he shoves his hands in his pockets and begins to walk away.

"Cook!"

"Yeah, babe?" He turns back to her, but she doesn't have anything to say. She just didn't want him to leave. Funny how a moment ago she'd been wanting to run away from him and now she just wants him to stay.

"Thanks," she forces out.

He flashes her his grin. "Anytime, Naomikins. And for the record, I'm still banking on that willy-waggle." And then he's gone and she has no idea what to do. She knows what she should do, go in and find Emily. She doesn't even want the drugs, she just didn't have anything else to say to Cook. She's about to do the right thing, find her girlfriend, when the door to the stairwell opens and a girl walks in. But it's not just a girl. It's _her_. Sophia. She feels like she might throw up. She should have known that this would happen, that they would run into each other eventually, but she'd been convincing herself that she could avoid it. Sophia stops, looking at Naomi with a mixture of what appears to be hope and terror.

"Hi," Sophia says.

"Yeah, hi." she answers, wanting to get away. Ever since what she's mentally been referring to as "The Sophia Incident" things between her and Emily have been rocky. Of course, Emily has no idea that Naomi cheated, much less with this girl, but that doesn't stop Naomi feeling like the world is ending right now.

"Listen, Naomi," Sophia begins, then notices the powder Naomi's holding. "Is that MDMA?"

"Yeah," She answers. "But I really have to go, so I'll see you around."

"Oh, okay," Sophia looks crushed, shrinking into herself and Naomi feels guilt clawing at her from all angles.

"Here," she hands Sophia the MDMA. "Not really my thing anyway." And then she slides past and escapes back into the party where she finds Emily looking for her, trusting her, loving her. She holds down vomit.

It's two hours later when Sophia flings herself from the balcony and kills herself. It takes longer than it should for most people to notice. The music is loud, everyone's fucked, so the information ripples through the crowd slowly. Naomi has a good view because she and Emily had been kissing on the stairs nearby where she jumped. Emily covers her face and turns away, but Naomi can't stop looking. Blood spreads out around Sophia's head. Naomi can feel herself shaking. She finally tears her eyes away from the scene and sees Cook clinging to the railing nearby, staring. Something breaks inside her and she needs to tell someone and he's the only one she could possibly tell. She shoves away from the railing, pushing through the crowd. Emily doesn't notice her absence. She reaches him, grabs his arm.

"Cook!" He turns to her and she can't hold back the tears any longer. She's crying and she feels shame burning on her cheeks but she can't stop.

"Cook," she says again. He slips away from the railing and shoves people out the way rough and forceful, pulling her away, down the stairs, outside into the cool night air. She's good and sobbing now.

"Naomikins, what's with the waterworks?" Cook is never very good at gentle, but she doesn't mind because that's not what she needs. She knows it's weird, that it must seem like she's acting crazy, but she throws her arms around him anyway, buries her face in his neck. And he proves once again that he's not nearly as much of a dick as he'd have everyone believe, because he holds while she cries.

"I want to go home," she manages to gasp between sobs. "Please." Cook scoops her up, like she's Effy sized and not tall bigger Naomi. He holds her like it's easy.

"It's alright, I got you Naomikins," he tells her.

The trip to her house is a blur. She feels like her head's in a fog. The next thing she knows Cook is depositing her into her own bed. He takes off her shoes. For a moment she thinks he's left and she feels like she's imploding, but then he's lying next to her and wrapped her up in his arms, warm, comforting.

"I need to tell you," she gasps through her tears.

"Not now you don't, Princess."

"I... need to..."

"Plenty of time for me later," he says softly. She's utterly exhausted and she can feel her eyes getting heavy despite her inner turmoil.

"Just don't leave," she breathes. She's so close to sleep when he answers that she almost doesn't hear it.

"Not a chance, love."


	3. Chapter 3

When she wakes up it feels like a dream, but she knows it isn't because Cook is there. She's not surprised he kept his word. She knew he would. She's curled up facing him. He must not be too comfortable because she's lying on his arm, her knees pressed into his thigh, and her head nestled on his chest. She can feel his heartbeat, slow and steady, against her cheek. He's smoking with the other hand. He hasn't noticed she's awake yet and she steals the moment to study his face. She's not sure she's ever seen him like this, so open, vulnerable.

He glances at her and catches her in his eyes. He has blue eyes, she realizes. Or, at least, she thinks they're blue. Or gray. Or silver. She's never known anyone with eyes like that, eyes that have no definable color, no ending. That just swallow you. She is suddenly aware that they've just been staring at each other for at least a minute and she's self conscious, so she sits up and hugs her comforter to her body.

"A'ight, love?" Cook breaks the silence, but she knows that he knows she's not. Something in her died with Sophia, because it was her fault.

"It's my fault she's dead, Cook."

He sits up to look at her better. "What're you on about?"

"Sophia," the tears threaten to spill over again. "it was _my_ fault."

"How d'you figure that, blondie?"

"I gave her the MDMA."

"You what?" Cook looks floored.

"I-" her cheeks are burning. "I didn't even want it. I just, I couldn't think of anything else to say to you and I'd just wanted, needed, to talk to you."

"You- I- Little confused here, Naoms. Why did you want to talk to me?"

She looks at him and there's desperation in her eyes. She's drowning. "You see me, don't you Cook? I mean you _see_ me. The way I can see you."

He doesn't answer for a moment, but his face is deadly serious. He knows what she means. "Yeah, love, I see you."

"I needed someone to see me. And things with Em... I fucked them up. She's the only person in the world who loves me and I fucked everything up." He doesn't tell her that Emily loves her and that they'll work things out and she appreciates that. He doesn't lie. He doesn't offer temporary comforts. He just listens.

"I fucked her, Cook. I fucked the dead girl." He's looking at her and that look in his eyes asks why? When? Where? But he doesn't voice the questions.

"I don't know why I did it... maybe you do because I think if anyone understands self destruction it's you. But I don't know why I did it. I was out and I met her and fucked her. Things with Emily haven't been the same since and she doesn't even know. God, what if she did know? So when I saw her last night, she wanted to talk and I couldn't, I just _couldn't,_ but she looked so sad so I just, I gave her the drugs and now she's dead." She can feel the tears on her face again and Cook pulls her into his lap, rubs her back gently.

"It's a fucked up world, Naomikins. People fuck up. But it's not your fault she's dead. You said she was sad, yeah? Who knows what was going on in her fucked up world."

"But I feel so terrible, really fucking awful."

"Yeah, well, that's life innit? And just because it's not your fault doesn't mean it isn't a part of you now. Of both of us."

"You didn't even know what I was going to do with the drugs."

"No," Cook shook his head. "But I'll remember it because if it's even possible that the drugs had something to do with her death then I might be a son of a bitch but I'm fucking chuffed it was her instead of you."

"Cook," she says darkly.

"I mean it, Princess."

"I know you do, but you shouldn't." She's stopped crying again. "And what if Emily finds out about it all? She's all I've got, Cook. She's the only one who really cares about me."

Cook snorts. "Fuck that. You've got me, love. Promise."


	4. Chapter 4

She's not quite sure how it happens, but somehow James Cook becomes her best friend. Her best friend, but also another secret on the pile. Emily doesn't know about him. Emily hates Cook and she doesn't even know about the time in the abandoned classroom where she was only moments away from fucking him. She doesn't have to. Emily hates Cook on principle. She doesn't understand him, she can't see underneath. Things are still bad between her and Em. They have been for some time now and the investigation of Sophia's death only makes things worse. Her guilt fucks everything up.

On the nights that Emily doesn't stay over (there are more and more of them now), Cook does. She calls him and every single time he appears with a bottle of alcohol and a ridiculous grin on his face. She lets him in and he plops down on her bed and kicks his feet up and drinks and smokes and most importantly makes her laugh. Sometimes he turns up loud music and dances. She refuses to join in at first, but he's infectious and eventually he's got her in his arms spinning around the room. He never tries anything. At first she's grateful for that because she knows that he wouldn't behave well for just anybody, but then she begins to wonder if maybe he just doesn't want her anymore and that makes her feel small. She hates herself for that.

When morning starts creeping in the window they curl up in her bed and murmur to each other until sleep takes them. Sometimes they talk about Sophia, about the investigation and what it means for them. Cook tells her he'd ditched the rest of the MDMA, flushed it, he says. She starts to tell him secrets, things she's never told anyone and it's easy because it feels like he can see them every time he looks at her anyway. He doesn't share as much, but he always answers when she asks him questions.

"Why do you love Effy, Cook?" She can tell by the way his body tenses up that the question hurts him and she wonders if she's finally asked the question he won't answer.

"Well, she's got mint tits, right?"

"Cook." He takes a deep breath and she tightens her grip on his neck, curling her fingers through the hair at the base of his neck.

"I dunno, blondie. It wasn't supposed to happen, was it? She's just so... I dunno, actually. I thought I did. I thought she was like me, Effy was. But I was wrong."

"She's not like anyone," she tells him. "She the most fucked up of us all."

"Don't I know it, babe. 'spose none of it matters. She never loved me back." She can see that he's sad. She kisses his cheek.

"You deserve better, Cook." They fall asleep curled around each other.


	5. Chapter 5

He's not quite sure how it happens, but somehow, he falls in love with her. It scares the shit out of him, but trying to stop it is like trying to stop the sun rising in the morning. It's totally different from Effy. With Effy it was darkness and pain and plenty of lust. It's enough to make him wonder if he ever really loved Effy at all. With Naomi it's different. It's like something is swelling up in his chest so big and intense he feels like he'll burst with it. It's wonderful and terrible at the same time. He aches thinking about her.

On the nights that she calls him over he holds her as she presses her cheek to his chest and he wonders if she can tell with each beat of his heart it's screaming: _he loves her, he loves her, he loves her._ But even though he feels as if she can see right through him, knows all his secrets, she can't seem to see this. Maybe she just doesn't want to.

He'll never tell her. She loves Emily and it's hurting her. She's guilty about Sophia and it's hurting her. She's fragile, even if she doesn't like to admit it. The last thing she needs is him destroying their friendship with a declaration of love. And he's not just in love with her, she's also his best friend. Yeah, he has Freddie and J.J., the 3 musketeers, and that shit, but things are constantly being fucked up there. And neither Freddie or J.J. understands him the way she does. So he'll never tell her.

Emily finds out about Sophia and there's a fall out. Naomi is distraught at losing her. He loves her so much he's not even pleased she's single. He's just furious at the world for hurting her. He never wants her to hurt. He doesn't pity her because he understands that she's like him and she hates pity. It's not pity she needs anyway, it's comfort and he's there for that.

She's a mess, worse than he's ever seen her and he knows he can't make it better. She cries almost every night, cheek resting over his heart as it beats that _he loves her, he loves her, he loves her. _When she ventures out in public she puts on a brave face. He understands because he does that too. They don't acknowledge their closeness in front of the others. She doesn't want Emily to think there's something going on between them. It hits way too close to home. He hurts, but he agrees.

Her guilt over Sophia seems to grow. He wants to fix it. He knows she's not eating well. He can see the way her clothes, always a little big on her, now hang off her frame. No one else seems to notice. He catches her gazing at Emily often. He tries to take her mind off things, but he knows he can't cure her broken heart.

He comes to her like he always does when she calls. She tells him she wants to go to a club. She seems to mean it too because she's dressed up for once. In the form fitting dress he can see that she's almost painfully thin, but he still thinks she's beautiful. He agrees to take her out. She smiles kisses him on the cheek. His heart aches.

They separate at the club when they see that Freddie and Effy are there. He doesn't feel like being here, so he drinks. And drinks. His head gets fuzzy. He watches Freddie and Effy make out in a corner. And he watches Naomi dance. She dances with anyone around. She lets them put their hands on her. Girls put their hands on her. Boys put their hands on her. He hates them. They make him furious, but he doesn't stop it. He's fuming, trying to push it down.

A guy runs into him and he snaps. He punches him. He keeps punching him. He doesn't stop. People are screaming. People are trying to pull him away. He doesn't let them. Someone's calling his name. It's her.

"Cook, stop!" He stops. His heart is pounding: _he loves her, he loves her, he loves her._


	6. NOTE

**NOTE:**

**Well, since I got that very lovely review from Persephone Price, I felt like I should hop on here and write a little note. I do intend to finish this story and I feel super guilty for letting it sit around. I'm really caught up in my Arya/Gendry fic right now, but I'll come back to this one when I finish! **

**Thanks to both Persephone Price and Jennifer for letting me know you like it and I really do intend to finish it!**

**-Erin**


	7. Chapter 7

She doesn't know why he did it and he won't tell her. He's on house arrest now and she desperately misses his presence next to her at night. She finds she doesn't sleep well without him. She lost Emily and now she feels she's losing him. She visits him at his mum's house, but he's quiet and subdued. He says he's pleading not guilty and she begs him to change his mind because he could make things a lot easier on himself, but he ignores her. He feels distant. She has no claim to him in daylight hours.

He doesn't answer her calls. She finds out from Freddie what he's done. He's confessed to giving Sophia the MDMA. He's lying. He's going to jail. For her. He's protecting her. She feels the strangest mixture of relief and horror. Relief that it's over, that it can't follow her anymore. Horror that Cook is the one it's all come down on. It was never his fault. She doesn't even get to see him again before they put him away. She tries to visit, but he won't see her. She's terrified he hates her.

She finds comfort, to her surprise, in Emily. She thinks maybe she was falling out of love with her, but now she's back. Emily doesn't know what's wrong with Naomi; she doesn't know about Cook. But she's back and holding her hand and telling her everything is going to be okay. She lies to her about things that Cook never did. It's to make her feel better, she knows, but she hates it. She's always hated that. Cook understood that about her. Emily takes Cook's place in her bed. She has a girlfriend again and she doesn't even really feel it. She thinks she lost her feelings somewhere. She used to love Emily, didn't she? She doesn't remember what that felt like, so she pretends. It scares her.

* * *

There's a terrible sense of deja vu as Emily begs her to come to the party. She agrees, to make her happy. Emily has a good time and Naomi sits in a corner. She doesn't want to dance. She doesn't want to drink. She's beginning to think she doesn't want to be.

"Have you seen him?" She's surprised to find that Effy has joined her.

"Who?"

"Cook. Have you been to see him?" Effy asks.

"Why would I?" She's still protecting her secret friendship, even though she's not sure it exists anymore. She can only hope. But he won't see her and that scares her more than any of the rest of it.

"Because he's in love with you." She nearly chokes on the glass of water she's been sipping and she wonders if Effy's gone insane. Or rather, more insane.

"You mean he loves _you,_" she corrects.

"No," Effy says absently, like it doesn't matter. "He used to think he was in love with me, but not anymore." She can't quite grasp what Effy is trying to tell her. She turns to question her further and realizes Effy is gone. Was she ever there to begin with? She puts the whole thing out of her mind. It doesn't matter what Effy says, she's already realized that Effy didn't know him that well anyway.

* * *

She wants to be there when they let Cook out, but she promised Emily they could hang out and she knows she can't take her there. Em would never understand. She tells Freddie to call her when he's picked Cook up. He looks at her funny, but agrees.

Her date with Emily doesn't go well. She can't focus and when Emily asks why, she has no answer. She feels sick. She needs to see him. She needs to know she hasn't lost him forever. Her phone rings and she looks down to see Freddie flashing on the screen. She excuses herself and answers the phone.

"Freddie? Is he okay?"

"So you are worried about me, babe." It's Cook. It's been so long since she's heard his voice. It leaves her speechless.

"Naomikins?" He sounds normal. She doesn't understand.

"Cook? Are you okay? Are... are we?" It takes a lot out of her to ask.

"'Course, Princess. Everything's peachy."

"Can you come see me tonight?" she asks softly, terrified he'll say no.

"Sure thing, love." She breathes easy for the first time in ages.

* * *

She tells Emily she isn't feeling well and needs to go home. She feels guilty at the look of concern on her face when she hugs her goodbye.

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay over in case you get really ill?" Em loves her.

"I'll be fine, just need some sleep." She hates herself for lying. Even so, she practically runs home. He's already there, sitting on the doorstep. Her breath catches when she sees him. He shoots her a classic Cook grin. She throws herself into his arms with such force that he barely catches her and still stumbles back a couple of steps. He chuckles.

"Miss me, blondie?" She holds him tighter.

They lie in her bed and talk just like they used to. For the first time in a long time everything feels right to her.

"Why wouldn't you let me come see you?" she asks him finally.

"Didn't want you to see that, did I?" He kisses her forehead. "This is better." She clings to him, scared that if she falls asleep she'll wake up to find it was a dream. As much as she fights it, sleep eventually takes her, but not before she can tell him,

"Stay here. I know you have nowhere else to go."

**Note: Gosh, you guys got me feeling guilty for letting this sit for so long, so I cranked out an update. I can't promise anything regular until I finish HWCHWG, but I'll try to update OCCASIONALLY, and I'll come back for good when I finish my Gendarya fic.**


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